Thursday, December 22

Propriety

This thread over at FMH has reminded of a problem I have. I'm not sure why, since the two are entirely unrelated. The problem is this: I have a *really* hard time making friends with other women.
Perhaps further explanation is in order. When I was 15 my best friend did something to me that hurt my feelings, this thing she did also led me to believe that she had been only pretending to be my friend for at least a year or so. Either way the hurt went deep into my 15 year old psyche, and I'm still not sure I've recovered. Since then, every friend I've made has been male. (I was friendly with my roomates in college, but not really friends.) This creates a bit of a problem.
I've been married for two years, and me forming friendships with men other than my husband would be shady at best. It would be even more shady since most of the men I meet are also married. So I haven't made any new friends. Also, I've sort of cut myself off from my old friends who are male, for the sake of propriety. I had initially hoped that they would become friends with my husband, but this didn't really pan out.
I would very much like to make friends with the women in my ward, but I get nervous, uncomfortable, and defensive around *any* other women. In fact the only common trait these people share is that they are women. I can make excuses and say that I haven't met any women with interests similar to mine, which is essentially true. (Math, Astronomy and Soccer aren't exactly the topics of choice in the mother's lounge.) But I do have lesser interests (knitting, tap dancing, baby care etc.) that I'm sure I share with someone. But it really comes down to the fact that I feel threatened by anyone who is female, and have the darndest time being comfortable around them.
Any advice?
Anyone? Anyone? Beuler?

3 comments:

screen shadow said...

i have the same problem. i was just googling your post. when i was little, i had a hellacious stepmom who set me and my younger sister against each other, and hated it if we had a laugh together or even were friends. (only reason i know this is because of the extensive journals i keep/kept.) anyway, it sucks not having women friends. i love my boyfriend, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk girly stuff with. my two sisters (one a half-sister) really kind of cut me out. i was just on a trip to vegas with all of them and it really hurt. so i'm just sitting here nursing my wounds. ;-) seriously---it's the only thing about my life i'd change. i'm at work right now killing time and thought i'd shout out to you on your blog after seeing your comment.

John said...

Hmmm...I have the same problem, only with the genders reversed. I do have the benefit of my best friend from high school being a guy who likes to talk about relationships, metaphysics, and goofy junior high school level humor. He's out of state, but rollover cell phone minutes are a help there.

My struggle is trying to develop emotional intimacy with other guys. Men are so conditioned to talk shop, sports, politics, and to keep some emotional distance. *sigh* Sometimes I think the Church restricts the availability of such men in my social networks.

When and if Nils does soccer, then you'll meet women/moms who want to talk soccer. :)

John said...

Quick question: what's your level of interest in astronomy? Do you have a particular focus within that field?

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